I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
