he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
