I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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