I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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