she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
