So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I could make wine with my vomit
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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