I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
