I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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