maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
