So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
