We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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