So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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