Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?