no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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