I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
