He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
