hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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