im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
