my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
