I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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