I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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