well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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