i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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