I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
