yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
