I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize