i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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