how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She told me I should be a condom model.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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