I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
