make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
