I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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