Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
