You made me cry and you don't even care
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
