yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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