Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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