I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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