Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
