It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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