I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
