dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
