I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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