Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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