Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
