yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
