Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
