I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
