I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
