Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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