I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
God, I missed his penis.
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