Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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