Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he thought i was a dude.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
