Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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