Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
