Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want her autograph on my taint
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
