dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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