What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
