tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
