theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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