you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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