the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
