goodnight i made you a song goodbye
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
