I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
